RANK/TEAM THE SKINNY
1. L.A. Lakers  With Shaq and Kobe on former team, Pat Riley wise to copyright "threepeat"
2. Sacramento  Fewer elbow passes but more winning with Mike Bibby
3. Portland  Jerry Springer's team added sex offender and made Wallace co-captain
4. San Antonio  Mrs. Robinson and Tim Dunk-on-him seek redemption
5. Toronto  Raptors completed Dream offseason
6. Philadelphia  With Coleman back, Larry Brown proves to be eternal optimist  
7. Dallas  New uniforms, new arena, new expectations
8. Milwaukee  Now Anthony Mason just has to stay out of handcuffs
9. Orlando  Headed for magical season if Grant Hill's ankle holds up
10. Charlotte  Who will show up to see this Eastern power?
11. Utah  Still your father's Jazz team
12. Miami  Pat Riley not Mourning loss of Mason
13. Phoenix  Starbury hopes to make team rise
14. Minnesota  David Stern tried to saved it once from Joe Smith
15. Seattle  Will Vinny stay skinny?  
16. New York  Start spreading the news: No longer a top team  
17. L.A. Clippers  Even Donald Sterling can't mess this up
18. Houston  Post Dream era starts with nightmare injury to Maurice Taylor  
19. Indiana Instead of playmakers, Indiana full of pointless guards  
20. Washington  Even the old Michael couldn't lead this team to playoffs
21. Atlanta  Best frontcourt in East
22. Denver  Surprise: Isaiah Rider missed his first practice
23. Golden State  No longer a M*A*S*H unit, thus no longer a bottom feeder
24. Boston  At least Rick Pinocchio has been vanquished
25. New Jersey  Kidding themselves that Keith Van Horn suddenly thrives
26. Detroit  One of least Stacked teams in the house  
27. Cleveland  Half-full thought: Kemp now dining in Portland
28. Memphis  Management hopes elbow passes distract from mounting losses
29. Chicago They built bottom feeders