Sorry, but I don't buy this whole sob story about how the Magic have just been unlucky with Grant Hill's foot. We're three surgeries and two seasons into this ordeal. Isn't it time for somebody to admit that either doctors messed up somewhere along the way or that Hill has a chronically bad wheel? Enough of the song and dance. Give it to us straight. . . . Grant's father, former NFL star Calvin Hill, said he compared his son's repeated surgeries to a car with tires that keep wearing out. "After a while," Calvin said, "you realize that the reason the tires keep wearing out is because the front end is out of alignment. Finally, I think we've got the front end aligned properly." My question is this: Wouldn't there be a much better success rate if these medical procedures were done by surgeons instead of the fellas on the lube rack down at Pep Boys? . . .

And have you heard about the new Darnell Dockett Christmas toy? It's called "Twist My Knee Elmo." . . . And, while we're at it, do you think Santa will be able to get out of the Spurrier house on Christmas Eve without Coach Steve cornering him and forcing him to watch the Earnest Graham tape? Speaking of Spurrier, I thought he would laugh when I broached the subject of letting backup quarterback Brock Berlin start the Orange Bowl as sort of a going-way present before he transfers. Spurrier, though, did not brush off the suggestion. Berlin, after all, was the No. 1 prep quarterback in the country when he signed with UF and has invested a lot of time and trust in Spurrier's program. Doesn't he deserve one start before he transfers to another school? Said Spurrier, "Well, we're not going to start him in the Orange Bowl, but we're going to put him in in the second quarter, and he's going to play a lot. He deserves it." . . .

Before we say goodbye to the college football season, let us remember the most priceless quote of the year. It was uttered by Georgia radio legend Larry Munson after the 'Dawgs scored the winning TD at Tennessee: "We just stepped on their face with a hobnailed boot and broke their nose. We just crushed their face." . . . With a $25-million bounty, Afghan citizens have been searching cave to cave for Osama Bin Laden. They haven't found him yet, although some good news: They have located the Bucs running game. . . . In case you're scoring at home, 66 different schools have won bowl games since Notre Dame last did. . . . Norman Chad, the funniest man in sports writing: "Kerry Collins couldn't find an open receiver with a Google search." . . . The evolutionary tree: 1. Neanderthal man; 2. Cro-Magnon man; 3. Cleveland Browns fan. . . .

Lakers owner Jerry Buss says he'll give Vince Neil of M?tley Cr?e fame a ring commemorating the team's NBA title because, as Buss told Neil, "You score more than any of my players." . . . Not to be mean, but if I was only good enough to play football at New Hampshire, I'd have tried to keep that off my resume. . . . Shame on Spurrier for continuing to accuse Bobby Bowden of coaching dirty tactics. Everybody knows Bowden hasn't coached anything in five years. . . . I'm starting to think Doc Rivers should change his name to Orthopedic Surgeon Rivers. . . . Don't you think it's about time for the Flutie flacks to stop saying, "All Doug Flutie does is win."? . . .

For all the pundits who said Michael Jordan's comeback would be an enormous flop, I'd like to just say this: "Is not." . . . Jaguars receiver Jimmy Smith on last week's game at Cleveland: "We were trying to dodge as many beer bottles as we could. I felt like I was starring in Saving Private Ryan." . . . The Yankees have just signed Ty Tryon. . . . Also on George O'Leary's resume: "I was 6-1 against Bobby Bowden." . . . Speaking of O'Leary, here are the three biggest sports fibs of all time: 1. It's not about the money; 2. I haven't been contacted; 3. Grant Hill's ankle is day to day. . . . Injury report: Bill Gramatica, out (showing off). . . . Remember those electric football games you used to get for Christmas, the ones where you'd flip the switch and all the players would muddle about, spin around in circles and wind up in one big pile at the line of scrimmage? Is that where Clyde Christensen learned offense? . . .

A moment of silence, please. Dick Schaap has just gone to That Big Media Hospitality Room in the Sky.

Mail bonding

Mike: It's too bad we can't hire and fire sports writers like you guys like to talk about hiring and firing coaches. You ?armchair quarterbacks? drive me crazy. You have all of the answers, and most of you have never played a lick of organized sports beyond high school ? if that.

Maybe you should practice more on your writing skills instead of solving the Buccaneers' woes. Tony Dungy is the best thing that's ever happened to the Tampa Bay Bucs. Maybe you should study up on your Buccaneers football history. The only thing they led the league in before Tony Dungy was losses.

We don't need Bill Parcells. We need better sports writers who will focus on the positives instead of the negatives. ? Del Wright

Del: Tony Dungy's stubbornness will cost him his job. He should have hired a decent offensive coordinator long ago and let the guy do his job. Dungy's coaching hires ? particularly at offensive coordinator ? have been abysmal.

Mike: As a Cleveland Browns fan, I am sick and tired of the holier-than-thou media taking potshots at us because we threw a few beer bottles on the field Sunday. What's the big deal about having a few too many beers and getting rowdy and obnoxious at a sporting event? People like you take all the fun out of going to a football game. ? Jim Helmsley

Jim: I think you are mistaken, my friend. I believe it's people like you who take all the fun out of going to a football game.

Last Word I

Charles Oakley on his Chicago Bulls: ?We're so deep and low in the woods that we can't even start a fire big enough for anybody to see us.?

Last Word II

Spurrier, who quarterbacked the 0-14 Tampa Bay Bucs in 1976, on the Detroit Lions finally winning a game last week: ?I toasted with [administrative assistant] Jamie Speronis. Hey, if the '72 Dolphins can toast their perfection, why can't we toast our imperfection? The Lions winning kept all my banquet jokes alive.?

Mikey likes

Bucs over the Saints by 6, Patriots over the Fish by 2, Vikings over the Jags by 5, (Bone) Spurs over the Magic by 97.