1. Sacramento: Arco Arena like Guant?namo Bay for visitors.

2. L.A. Lakers: Shaq changes name to the Big Arthritic Toe.

3. Dallas: NBA won't let Cuban play commissioner for a day.

4. Minnesota: Teammates freezing out Nesterovic.

5. San Antonio: The Admiral being demoted in crunch time.

6. New Jersey: Van Horn blames Marbury for slump.

7. Milwaukee: Mason seeks trade to New Orleans.

8. Toronto: Keon playing for neon deal this summer.

9. Boston: Anderson performing like playground legend.

10. Detroit: Basketball recession subsides in blue-collar town.

11. Washington: Even Juanita back on Jordan bandwagon.

12. Seattle: Booth buys designer boot with free-agent loot.

13. Portland: No stars except for roles on Jerry Springer.

14. Orlando: Duncan to Tampa in 2003?

15. Phoenix: Colangelo's next deal: Van Exel for Marbury.

16. Utah: Malone finally gets to see rings ? Olympic rings.

17. Philadelphia: Coleman giving a whoop-de-damn-do this season.

18. L.A. Clippers: Odom's big deal going up in smoke.

19. Indiana: For Valentine's Day, Thomas wants Rose ... gone.

20. Charlotte: Time almost named Shinn Person of the Year.

21. New York: Biggest bust since "Ishtar."

22. Miami: Mourning's medical rotation bolstering Miami.

23. Houston: Francis, Norris mull swapping ailments.

24. Atlanta: Davis to sue Sonics for broken wrist.

25. Cleveland: Fans wouldn't mind team moving to Baltimore.

26. Denver: Van Exel willing to pull down socks to spur trade.

27. Golden State: Jackson is Wallace without the production.

28. Memphis: No Spanish translation for "rookie wall."

29. Chicago: Mentor (Oakley) being schooled by prot?g? (Chandler).