Confused by the Kobe Bryant case? You've come to the right place, because I know it all. Every bit of it, inside and out.

There is simply no question about this case that I cannot definitively answer, no nuance that has escaped me. I have watched hours and hours of the coverage, from all the experts, and this is what I have learned:

Kobe is the perfect gentleman who couldn't possibly do something like this to a woman. Kobe, one of the more private players in a public world, might have a dark side he has let few people see.

The alleged victim is happy, innocent and well-adjusted. The alleged victim is depressed, calculating and tormented.

Friends of the alleged victim insist she is not capable of making up such a serious charge. Acquaintances of the alleged victim say she was at a party bragging about her evening with Bryant.

Kobe runs the risk of losing a bunch of his endorsements. Kobe's street credibility -- the kids call it "street cred" -- will be enhanced now that he has his own police mug shot to rival Allen Iverson's.

The alleged victim suffered injuries to a private part of her body, proof of Bryant's guilt. Kobe might be a large man who was having consensual sex with a small woman. He might be an average-sized man having consensual rough sex with an average-sized woman. (Good luck to parents who might have to explain all this to inquisitive 8-year-old Kobe fans during the trial.)

The alleged victim has no injuries; her feelings were hurt when Kobe, who suddenly remembered he was having knee surgery in the morning, threw her out of the hotel room after consensual sex.

Kobe will be acquitted because he is a celebrity. Kobe will be convicted because he is a celebrity.