How does it feel, Orlando?

How does it feel, Florida?

How does it feel to know you live in the absolute worst professional sports state in the union? How does it feel to know that the only thing worse than your schools are your teams?

We're so bad, we're inhaling the fumes from Tennessee's tailpipe. We're looking up at Wisconsin, for crying out loud. If Mississippians had a pro sports franchise, we'd be behind them, too.

It's no wonder our state bird is the mockingbird. There's one perched in a tree outside my window right now, mockingly chirping: "Our teams are awful; our fan support is even worse."

Based on what happens today in the NFL conference championship games, two teams from Pennsylvania -- the Pittsburgh Steelers and Philadelphia Eagles -- could be facing off in the Super Bowl next Sunday. Meanwhile, the State of Florida hasn't won a Super Bowl in nearly three decades. That team was the Dolphins of 1974 -- so long ago that Olivia Newton-John was at the top of the charts with "I Honestly Love You."

If Olivia were still singing today, she'd have a new song about Florida's sports franchises: "I Honestly Don't Give a Flying Flip About You."

Not only has Florida not won a Super Bowl since 1974, we've had only one championship in any of the major professional sports -- football, basketball, baseball and hockey -- in the last 28 years. And the team that won that title -- the Florida Marlins -- is a prime candidate to be eliminated by Major League Baseball.

Think about it: Is there any state that has such a collection of disappointing, dysfunctional, down-in-the-dumpster pro sports franchises? For sheer quantity, we are the kings of calamity.

Our two baseball teams -- the Marlins and Tampa Bay Devil Rays -- are on Bud Selig's chopping block.

Our two losing hockey franchises -- the Florida Panthers and Tampa Bay Lightning -- are so far down the apathy meter you'd think they were playing in the XHL.

In the NFL, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers just fired their coach and couldn't hire Bill Parcells or Steve Spurrier. And the Jacksonville Jaguars are in such financial disarray, they just made their franchise offensive tackle -- Tony Boselli -- available for the expansion draft.

Then we have our two beleaguered NBA franchises -- the Orlando Magic and the Miami Heat. One is up for sale; the other is down in the cellar.

"Winning is the only thing that can fix the problems," Heat Coach Pat Riley says.

"It takes years to build up loyalty," Magic Coach Doc Rivers says.

Tell it to the Miami Dolphins. They win. They've been around for years. And they were the only team in the NFL that had their first-round playoff game blacked out on local TV because of 16,000 unsold seats.

And speaking of attendance, if you take football out of the equation, all six of the other pro franchises in the state (baseball, basketball and hockey) are well below the league average in attracting fans. The most glaring examples are the Magic, who are ranked 23rd out of 29, and the Marlins and Devil Rays, who were more than 10,000 fans below baseball's average last season.

Is there a solution to our major-league malaise or is this just another example of Florida being a rootless, rudderless state populated by people whose loyalties lie elsewhere?

Listen closely and you will hear the answer.

The mockingbird chirps.

Olivia sings.