In our glorious country, there are many places your face can be seen if you really make it big. You can be on billboards, you can be on postage stamps, you can be on the post office wall.

But there is one place that is bigger than all the rest:

On the cover of a supermarket scandal sheet.

And this week Michael Jordan has made it big time.

When it became known Juanita Jordan had filed for divorce from Michael -- aka "M. Jeff Jordan" as he was identified in the petition -- it was like throwing bloody meat into a shark tank. It's "feeding frenzy" time:

Globe -- Headline: "Michael Jordan's Secret Sex Life." This rag gets top points for making Jordan the main subject of the cover, edging "Boozer Kathleen Turner Falls on Her Face." We see Michael smoking a big cigar (Freudians take note), seemingly gazing down at the subheads that read: "The wild orgies -- the porn queen -- the video he does not want you to see."

The porn queen is Kylie Ireland, and she is in all the rags, speaking of a night of bliss she says she shared with Michael in 1993. She's hardly mean-spirited about it, pointing out he "has a good heart," along with other attributes, although she says nothing about his jump shot.

That video, incidentally, involves a Jordan lookalike.

The National Enquirer -- Headline: "Michael Jordan's Mistress Tells All." In this one, M.J. is placed at the top of the cover, giving up the No. 1 spot to "Hillary Catches Bill Cheating Again!" Too bad they couldn't have worked these two stories together. This happens to be a different mistress, but like the porn queen, she remains quite fond of Michael's game.

Star -- Headline: "Wife's Own Story." Also on the top of the cover, losing out to "Matt Perry Is Dad of Liz Hurley Baby." And guess what, another young lady speaks of how Jordan "lived up to his reputation." I assume she means he knows how to go to his right.

National Examiner -- Headline: Well, actually this rag practically ignores Jordan, deciding to go with "How Laura Bush Saved Her Wild Girls." But I did find this inside: "Russell Crowe's once-tight butt is now gluteus MAXIMUS. Since breaking up with Meg Ryan, the Gladiator porked up so much, Tinseltown bosses are begging him to put down the fork so can play a leading man, instead of The Blob."

See, now that's the kind of stuff inquiring minds want to know.

Weekly World News -- Headline: Again, nothing about Jordan, but I must share this with you: "Blimp to Lower World's Fattest Man into Super Bowl."

What I love about this story is that the Super Bowl is being played in the Superdome, which has a roof.

But make sure you check out Page 30 for "Devil Toaster Ruined My Life." Who can't relate to that?

Jordan and you!

You may know that Jordan is becoming more notorious in yet another way -- like Oprah and Rosie, he will have his own magazine -- Jordan -- hitting the stands Feb. 8. However, in next Thursday's Cheap Seats, we plan on giving you an unauthorized version of what the first issue might look like and the stories it might contain.

And this is interactive. Send me suggestions for headlines that we might expect to see in that first issue. And if you make me laugh or groan or cry, your suggestion will be mentioned here -- making you famous!

The address: jgreene@orlandosentinel.com. Do it now before you forget

You know I'm right

We are going to get the Super Bowl we want to see ? Rams and Steelers.

Oddly enough, however, the Pittsburgh Steelers are a bigger lock to beat the New England Patriots today than the St. Louis Rams are to take out the Philadelphia Eagles. The Eagles do have a puncher's chance in that QB Donovan McNabb is capable of making the big plays to keep them in the game. Over in Pittsburgh, Patriots' QB Tom Brady will not know how to cope with that Steeler D.

Sunday buffet: If the Minnesota Vikings are looking in the college ranks for an offensive coordinator, why not give a call to UCF's Mike Kruczek, the man who knows QB Daunte Culpepper better than anyone? ... And come on, Jerry Jones, don't be talking to Bruce Coslet for your Cowboys offensive coordinator job. Pick up the phone and hire Galen Hall. ... Meanwhile, the Carolina Panthers hired Giants defensive coordinator John Fox to rescue their team from its 1-15 season. Says Giants DE Michael Strahan about Fox: ?He's the type of guy you'd cut off your arm for.? Maybe so, Michael, but that coaching style has had limited success. ... Marc ?The Freak? Loyd from ?Coach & Co.? on 740 the Team (WQTM) had a strong interview Thursday with the WWF to fill a ring-announcer opening. They may call him back for a second visit to see how well he takes a steel chair to the head.

Tyson's needs

Cheap Seats Investigations got its hands on a ?things to do? list for the guy who will make all the preparations for Mike Tyson's next news conference. Here are some of the items:

About 250 folding chairs.

Podium.

Tranquilizer dart gun.

Sound system.

Straitjacket, size XXL.

About 250 accidental death release forms.

Two pounds ground round.

Hannibal Lecter mask.

3 Questions

How can the suits in Nevada even think about giving Mike Tyson a license to cross the street? Oh right, they license prostitutes, don't they, so I guess anything goes.

Why doesn't the PGA Merchandise Show hang around for one extra day and let golf fanatics inside to spend a gazillion dollars on clubs and balls and shoes and anything else they can carry out?

Ooh wah, ooh wah ? ooh wah, ooh wah ? ooh wah, ooh wah ? Why do fools fall in love?

Drat! Darts

Who remembers lawn darts, the game that combined darts with horseshoes by throwing big, heavy darts that would plunk into the ground? It was banned in the United States in 1988 after 6,700 lawn-dart injuries were reported in the previous decade. However, word has it that there is still some illegal lawn-dart playing going on right here in Central Florida.

Pun warning!

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.